What's really important?

Where do I want to be?

After the disclosure he didn't proceed to the bedroom, pack his bags, and leave... but I realize now that in subtle manipulation he suggested I take action... He mentioned that he knew I was going to kick him out. Talked about coming home to his stuff thrown out on the curb... 

I didn't take the bait.  I didn't know it was bait.  I didn't realize he was intentionally planting an idea in my head.  It must have been to his supreme annoyance that instead of telling him to get out I took a different view of his inaction:  Why don't you leave if you're so miserable?  If you stay, it means you're not absolutely miserable.  Right?  We can work this out?  

He mentioned he didn't want to destroy his family.  The children.  Later, I realized it was more selfish than that.  He didn't want them to think he "left".  He was hoping in the kids' eyes I'd be the one to destroy the family, I'd kick him out.

I didn't.

So he didn't leave then.  

I asked him:  How can I live with someone that doesn't want to be with me?  How's that supposed to work?  He didn't know.  Didn't know what to do.  Said it was a big mess.  But we'd both been miserable for a long time.  What?  I was?  I didn't think I was.  Yes, in the past few years I was often angry over lack of help with children and around the house...but doesn't this get better when kids are older?  Once they're all in school?   

He went to bed.  

I sat on the couch.  For the first time in my adult life I was disconcerted at being miles from family.  I pulled out the computer, browsing jobs and housing in my home town.   I'd spent the last twenty years not looking back.  Why had it been so important to leave family and everything familiar?  Why hadn't I moved back home before?  What had changed now, in a brief span of twenty four hours?  Why did the prospect of the end of the personal relationship trigger the urge to leave?

The next day he checked my internet history.  And became angry:  That didn't take you long--you're already looking at jobs and houses?!  Why?  You live in a nice house next to the golf course, your career is going great, why would you move?  I blinked.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Do you think I really care about my house or living next to the golf course?  Do you really not understand I'd rather live by my family?  Do you think my "job" is more important that personal happiness?

Ah! I reflected later.  The mention of "the house" and the "golf course" was significant.  He'd included these two items in the mathematical equation, or perhaps chemical reaction, that symbolized the end of our relationship;  But he had assessed them the wrong value.  He hadn't included me in the conversation in his head.  My failure to act as he expected threw a wrench in the process.  

I hadn't kicked him out, and I was not beyond leaving.